A cloudy day for me. Family vs Wants

And as it goes, another month has flew away. Hubby and X have officially had their birthdays and now its time to get to back to work. I know it's been a week since I've written anything and I feel really bad about not updating my blog! There's so many things I want to write about, but at the end of the day (especially when the kids don't nap), I want to just go to sleep. Am I catching up from last week? No idea. I thought I was getting enough sleep, but new things popping up on the list, plus 2 kids in tow, every day seems enduring and sometimes mundane.

I keep thinking I need to get a job. Then we could go on vacation, fix the house up, help pay off the car, etc. I had a great idea of starting a baby resell store (since we need one here), but I realized that it would mean 60+ hours a week away from my family. Not my number one choice. Taking care of the house and the family are important, but sometimes I feel I have no more income-producing skills. So as I Google for that perfect part time work at home job for when the kids do nap (or when they eventually go to school), I realize that I'm wasting my time because there is no such job.

What am I going to do when the kids do start school? I guess I could use my college degree to work part time at McDonald's or Wal-Mart if I'm lucky. Everyone else works a full time job, why not me? I refuse to hire someone to take care of my kids where the cost of daycare is almost the same price as a year in college. This is more for infants/kids in diapers and preschoolers: http://www.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/Family/Modern-Parenthood/2012/0823/Childcare-cost-Day-care-expense-rivals-college-cost-fuels-social-problems/%28page%29/2

My mother-in-law says I need to put the kids in daycare, find a job with benefits, and retire in 30 years. If I were to start a job in 2 years (after kid #2 starts 1st grade), I'm 7 years behind hubby to retire. How is this fair? After working full-time at home aka my, as Obama calls it a "luxury job", it will take me longer and work harder to be able to collect my social security. Is this really worth it? Of course, I'm planning on hubby sitting at home all day watching TV when he retires as I work that extra 7 years. What do I get for staying at home and taking care of my children, struggling to pay bills, and educating my kids better than the daycares? I get to listen to screaming, crying, and poopy children. I don't get to go shopping, get pedicures, or see the newest movie at the theatre.

I don't get to spend hubby's paycheck. We can't afford to shop. His check pays the bills. Period. If anything extra comes up, we have to deduct it from our grocery expense. So that leaves us with $30 per week on food- if that. I'm not asking for much. Just a part time income that could help the bills. I know my husband appreciates all that I do, but other than that, I feel completely useless and a complete waste of space. I'm tired of depending on everyone else for an income and "gifts". I'm ready to be part of the world again, not just another stay at home mom.

Everyone says to "find your niche" or "do what you want". Honestly, I have no idea what I want to do. I'm not a computer geek, so I'm sure there's no "niche" that hasn't been covered already. I love staying at home with my family, but there's nothing challenging enough for me here (other than trying to calm a 3 year old's temper tantrum). I want to be able to think outside of the box, yet I feel like my brain has been rotting for the past 4 years and am completely frustrated when thinking about our finances and the future. I want to depend on me for a change.

A cloudy day for me at the Bako Depot